Audra, you are right sister. It does feel good to look back and think how far I’ve come. I did make it. It did not beat me. I am fabulous.
It has been 6 months since I walked away.
I’ve had my ups and downs. I’ve been bitchy. I’ve been cranky. I’ve cried several tears. I’ve been angry. But I made it. And I couldn’t have made it without the love, support, encouragement, and comfort of so many fantastic people in my life.
I’ve learned so much over these 6 months too.
I’ve learned about vehicle repossession. (Thanks Danny!)
I’ve learned about a small business credit card going to collections. (Thanks again!)
I’ve learned that I am courageous and strong.
I’ve learned that I am loved.
I’ve learned that I am fabulous.
I’ve learned how to handle things with dignity.
I’ve learned that I deserve so much more. I deserve better.
I’ve learned how to pick myself up and dust myself off all with grace.
I’ve learned that I am determined.
I’m learning that it takes time to heal.
I’m learning that I can trust again.
I’m learning that I can work two jobs.
I’m learning that I have the greatest people in my life.
I’m learning new confidence.
I’m learning that I am beautiful (inside & out).
I’ve learned that I can start over.
I’ve learned that when you get knocked down, you got to get up no matter how much it hurts.
I’ve learned that laughter is the best medicine for an aching heart.
I’ve learned that true friends can help heal the soul.
I’ve learned how to hold my head high.
I’ve learned that time really does heal your wounds.
I’m learning a new kind of patience.
I’m learning that I am willing and able.
I’ve learned who I can trust.
This journey has been hard. It’s been difficult. It has sucked. I have paid with my heart and my wallet. I’m learning everyday. I have no regrets. And in a weird way I don’t know if I would change anything if given the chance. Because I would not be where I am right now, this very moment, if it hadn’t all happened. Now the money part would be nice to have back but I have learned for it. Things can be fixed. Debt can be paid off. It’s all about growing, learning, changing.
My one hope is that karma is real. I hope that he gets his. I’ll stand on the sidelines of life watching. Nothing will be said. I will watch and then walk away.
I’ve blessed it. I’m letting it go. I’m over it. Moving on!
And no matter how hard I try, I cannot hate him. I’ve tried. I am very angry with him and I am extremely disappointed with him. Even with the bill that he stuck me with, I’m mad but I don’t hate him. And I do wish the best for him. I hope that he finds his way. I hope he’s happy.
I know that I am happy. And I know I am loved.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I Love My People
Man, I sure do love the people in my life!
What I have gone through in the last 6 months has been crazy! And I couldn’t have made it through it all without the amazing support and love of my family and friends. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for all of you. You really find out who loves you when you need them the most. New friendships can be formed too. I’ve discovered both in my time of need.
First – My mom. Wow, what can I say about her? She is amazing. She has taught many things and many of them I have learned through watching her. I have learned grace, dignity, and strength. She has shown me that you have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. She has taught me what a strong woman is. She has listened to me and given me so much advice. She has taught me how to handle tough situations with grace and dignity.
Zac – I can’t believe that we went through all of this together. Not something that I ever thought we’d share. But in a way I am thankful for it. You have always been my friend. But now, I consider you one of my best friends. What we went through only made us closer and our bond stronger. Thanks for being my big brother and my best friend and one of my protectors.
Sean – Thanks for making me laugh through all my tears. For always being my big brother and a protector. Thanks for being a friend! You offered me lots of advice!
Kevin – Even though you are across the country, thank you! You have shown love and lots of support through the phone and e-mails. Thanks for being my big brother, protector and friend.
Kyla – You are wonderful! You’ve been there when I needed you. You told me the truth and didn’t judge me when I made my decision and you still stood by my side. You comforted me when I told you everything. You were a supportive and listening ear. You were a shoulder for me to cry on. You gave me sound advice. You told me that I was strong. You told me that I would look back and have no regrets. You told me that in time I would be thankful. You told me that I deserved better and that I would find that better person too!
Lyndsey – You are amazing! You’ve always been there when I needed you. You too were a shoulder for me to cry on and lean on too. Your support has been fantastic. We’ve had some great times over these last several months. You told me that everything would be okay. You gave me some good advice too.
Christina Louise – You are fabulous! You’ve been there when I needed you. You were a shoulder for me to cry on. You listened for months and months before I made my decision to leave. You supported me in my decision. You reminded me that I could do better. You told me frequently that I was beautiful and strong. You too told me that things would be okay. You have given me so much advice. I’m grateful for everything. You even helped me with all the financial issues too!
Kara – Thanks for all the laughs. Thanks for the nights out. Thanks for all the fabulous advice. Thanks for the comfort. Thanks for listening. Thanks for telling me that everything was going to be okay.
Debbie, Juliann, Misty, Jamie, & Tonya – Thanks for staying by my side. Thanks for still being my friend. I would not have blamed you if you all would have chosen to not talk to me again. You all will always have a special place in my heart. I still consider you all my family. You all are very near and dear to my heart and soul. You all have told me that I deserve better and that you always thought that I was too good for “him”. And that means so much to me.
Sarah Rose - Thanks for listening to me. I have vented to you so many times. I can’t even being to try and count how many times you have listened to me. Thanks for all of that time!
Kellye & Melanie & Raven – Thanks for the new formed friendship. Thanks for helping me plot my revenge. Thanks for all the laughs. You all are fabulous!!
Phillip – You are an amazing friend! Thanks for all the late night phone calls. Thanks for listening to me vent.
Audra – Thanks for reminding me that I come from a long line of strong woman. For reminding me, that I am beautiful and strong. Thank you for being one of those strong women that I admire. Thanks for not seeing me as just SP’s little sister but as a friend too. Thanks for being my friend. Thanks for all the wonderful words of support and love.
Misti & Madchen – Thanks for the new found friendships. Teaching me the great phrases of “Halakaleem” and “It is what it is”. Thanks for not seeing me as just SP’s little sister but as a friend too.
Courtney & Jennifer – Thanks for the new friendships. I know that these friendships can be ones that will continue to grow. Thank you for the resent advice. I truly appreciate it!
Tamara – Thanks for helping me see that I am beautiful. Amazing what a picture can do for the soul. Thanks for reminding me like others have done that I can do better. Thanks!
And thanks to any one else that I did not name. There have been so many people that have loved and supported me. It’s hard to think of and name EVERYONE! So please, don’t take any offense.
I found a great new saying… “It’s not how you fall; it’s how you get up.” And I decided to get up with grace and dignity.
These thanks don’t even being to scratch the surface for the gratitude I feels towards each and everyone. These are just simple words but my heart is full of love that I feel from each and every one of you.
I’ll never forget how everyone has touched me, my heart, and my soul with the love and support. Everyone is just simply wonderful.
It’s hard to put it all in words.
But… THANKS! THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND SOUL!!!!
What I have gone through in the last 6 months has been crazy! And I couldn’t have made it through it all without the amazing support and love of my family and friends. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for all of you. You really find out who loves you when you need them the most. New friendships can be formed too. I’ve discovered both in my time of need.
First – My mom. Wow, what can I say about her? She is amazing. She has taught many things and many of them I have learned through watching her. I have learned grace, dignity, and strength. She has shown me that you have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. She has taught me what a strong woman is. She has listened to me and given me so much advice. She has taught me how to handle tough situations with grace and dignity.
Zac – I can’t believe that we went through all of this together. Not something that I ever thought we’d share. But in a way I am thankful for it. You have always been my friend. But now, I consider you one of my best friends. What we went through only made us closer and our bond stronger. Thanks for being my big brother and my best friend and one of my protectors.
Sean – Thanks for making me laugh through all my tears. For always being my big brother and a protector. Thanks for being a friend! You offered me lots of advice!
Kevin – Even though you are across the country, thank you! You have shown love and lots of support through the phone and e-mails. Thanks for being my big brother, protector and friend.
Kyla – You are wonderful! You’ve been there when I needed you. You told me the truth and didn’t judge me when I made my decision and you still stood by my side. You comforted me when I told you everything. You were a supportive and listening ear. You were a shoulder for me to cry on. You gave me sound advice. You told me that I was strong. You told me that I would look back and have no regrets. You told me that in time I would be thankful. You told me that I deserved better and that I would find that better person too!
Lyndsey – You are amazing! You’ve always been there when I needed you. You too were a shoulder for me to cry on and lean on too. Your support has been fantastic. We’ve had some great times over these last several months. You told me that everything would be okay. You gave me some good advice too.
Christina Louise – You are fabulous! You’ve been there when I needed you. You were a shoulder for me to cry on. You listened for months and months before I made my decision to leave. You supported me in my decision. You reminded me that I could do better. You told me frequently that I was beautiful and strong. You too told me that things would be okay. You have given me so much advice. I’m grateful for everything. You even helped me with all the financial issues too!
Kara – Thanks for all the laughs. Thanks for the nights out. Thanks for all the fabulous advice. Thanks for the comfort. Thanks for listening. Thanks for telling me that everything was going to be okay.
Debbie, Juliann, Misty, Jamie, & Tonya – Thanks for staying by my side. Thanks for still being my friend. I would not have blamed you if you all would have chosen to not talk to me again. You all will always have a special place in my heart. I still consider you all my family. You all are very near and dear to my heart and soul. You all have told me that I deserve better and that you always thought that I was too good for “him”. And that means so much to me.
Sarah Rose - Thanks for listening to me. I have vented to you so many times. I can’t even being to try and count how many times you have listened to me. Thanks for all of that time!
Kellye & Melanie & Raven – Thanks for the new formed friendship. Thanks for helping me plot my revenge. Thanks for all the laughs. You all are fabulous!!
Phillip – You are an amazing friend! Thanks for all the late night phone calls. Thanks for listening to me vent.
Audra – Thanks for reminding me that I come from a long line of strong woman. For reminding me, that I am beautiful and strong. Thank you for being one of those strong women that I admire. Thanks for not seeing me as just SP’s little sister but as a friend too. Thanks for being my friend. Thanks for all the wonderful words of support and love.
Misti & Madchen – Thanks for the new found friendships. Teaching me the great phrases of “Halakaleem” and “It is what it is”. Thanks for not seeing me as just SP’s little sister but as a friend too.
Courtney & Jennifer – Thanks for the new friendships. I know that these friendships can be ones that will continue to grow. Thank you for the resent advice. I truly appreciate it!
Tamara – Thanks for helping me see that I am beautiful. Amazing what a picture can do for the soul. Thanks for reminding me like others have done that I can do better. Thanks!
And thanks to any one else that I did not name. There have been so many people that have loved and supported me. It’s hard to think of and name EVERYONE! So please, don’t take any offense.
I found a great new saying… “It’s not how you fall; it’s how you get up.” And I decided to get up with grace and dignity.
These thanks don’t even being to scratch the surface for the gratitude I feels towards each and everyone. These are just simple words but my heart is full of love that I feel from each and every one of you.
I’ll never forget how everyone has touched me, my heart, and my soul with the love and support. Everyone is just simply wonderful.
It’s hard to put it all in words.
But… THANKS! THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND SOUL!!!!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Relay for Life
Why Do I Relay?
I relay for Pop.
I relay for Grandma Peggy.
I relay for Marilyn ‘Malo’.
I relay for the countless others who have fought the good fight.
I relay for me.
I relay for you.
I relay for my family.
I relay for your family.
I relay for my children.
I relay for your children.
I relay so that maybe my children will know a world without cancer.
If not my children, the maybe my grandchildren will know a cancer-free world.
I relay to be proactive.
I relay for awareness.
I relay to encourage.
I relay for hope.
I relay for a promise.
I relay for change.
I relay to make a difference.
I relay for the strength in numbers.
I relay for support.
I relay in honor of survivors.
I relay in memory for those who lost the war against this monster.
This is why I Relay.
Why do you Relay?
For more information on, please check out the American Cancer Society’s website and the Relay for Life website.
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/par/content/PAR_1_Relay_For_Life.asp
http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/
I relay for Pop.
I relay for Grandma Peggy.
I relay for Marilyn ‘Malo’.
I relay for the countless others who have fought the good fight.
I relay for me.
I relay for you.
I relay for my family.
I relay for your family.
I relay for my children.
I relay for your children.
I relay so that maybe my children will know a world without cancer.
If not my children, the maybe my grandchildren will know a cancer-free world.
I relay to be proactive.
I relay for awareness.
I relay to encourage.
I relay for hope.
I relay for a promise.
I relay for change.
I relay to make a difference.
I relay for the strength in numbers.
I relay for support.
I relay in honor of survivors.
I relay in memory for those who lost the war against this monster.
This is why I Relay.
Why do you Relay?
For more information on, please check out the American Cancer Society’s website and the Relay for Life website.
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/par/content/PAR_1_Relay_For_Life.asp
http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/
Sunday, June 8, 2008
What's A Girl To Do?
I have said before that I’m ready.
I’m ready for something, anything.
What exactly am I ready for?
A date… still questionable.
A relationship… NO!
I am ready for an adventure though,
A road trip,
Quality face time with friends,
Time away from everyday things.
I have put some thought into this whole dating thing. Serious thought. But I am still sitting on the fence.
The thought of a date makes me want to throw up at times. Other times, I get giddy thinking about getting dolled up and getting a little attention from a man. So to put it simply, I have butterflies and I am scared shitless. It’s been eight years since I’ve done this. I know that it’s not that long and I know that I’m young and that people start over all the time. Blah, blah, blah… But still, 8 years!!!
I’ve been single for six months! Yay, Meara!! No regrets. No looking back. I’ve torn the rearview mirror off!
But that thought brings me to the other thing that I know I’m not ready for… A relationship. Also brings me to my fear…
My fear of a relationship… I got burned! Burned bad!
But I don’t want that situation, experience, life lesson to dictate the rest of my life and relationships. I don’t want the next guy to pay for what “he” did. I want to be able to trust that I won’t get used, abused, and lied to. I don’t want to compare the good to the bad or the good to the bad. But I’ scared. I’m scare that the ultimate betrayal and broken trust is going to dictate my relationships. I’m scare that I will always compare the bad shit to whatever “new guy” does. It’s not fair to whoever may come into my life. How many will have to pay for what “he” did? I want the answer to be zero. I don’t want anyone to have to pay that cost. It’s too high. They’re not the one that broke my heart, my trust, my faith in others. It’s no else’s fault why I question what I question. It’s all “his” fault. No one should pay that price but “him”. But “he” will never own up to what “he” did. I know this.
So what’s a girl to do? How do I trust again? How do I not let what happened dictate any new relationship? How do I learn to trust again?
I want to trust. I want to trust someone with my heart again. I want to live my life, my way. I want to love again, one day, without the fair.
This is what has been on my mind lately. I want to learn how to handle this. I don’t want to ruin anything because of my issue. I want to deal with and handle my issue before it becomes a problem. Fix it while it’s a fear. I don’t want it to become a reality.
I’m guessing the answer is time, patience, and love from others.
I know I have the love from others part down… I have been blessed with some of the greatest people in my life. So many stepped up and reached out. And others stayed around when they didn’t have to stay by my side. I’m blessed. Truly blessed.
I’m ready for something, anything.
What exactly am I ready for?
A date… still questionable.
A relationship… NO!
I am ready for an adventure though,
A road trip,
Quality face time with friends,
Time away from everyday things.
I have put some thought into this whole dating thing. Serious thought. But I am still sitting on the fence.
The thought of a date makes me want to throw up at times. Other times, I get giddy thinking about getting dolled up and getting a little attention from a man. So to put it simply, I have butterflies and I am scared shitless. It’s been eight years since I’ve done this. I know that it’s not that long and I know that I’m young and that people start over all the time. Blah, blah, blah… But still, 8 years!!!
I’ve been single for six months! Yay, Meara!! No regrets. No looking back. I’ve torn the rearview mirror off!
But that thought brings me to the other thing that I know I’m not ready for… A relationship. Also brings me to my fear…
My fear of a relationship… I got burned! Burned bad!
But I don’t want that situation, experience, life lesson to dictate the rest of my life and relationships. I don’t want the next guy to pay for what “he” did. I want to be able to trust that I won’t get used, abused, and lied to. I don’t want to compare the good to the bad or the good to the bad. But I’ scared. I’m scare that the ultimate betrayal and broken trust is going to dictate my relationships. I’m scare that I will always compare the bad shit to whatever “new guy” does. It’s not fair to whoever may come into my life. How many will have to pay for what “he” did? I want the answer to be zero. I don’t want anyone to have to pay that cost. It’s too high. They’re not the one that broke my heart, my trust, my faith in others. It’s no else’s fault why I question what I question. It’s all “his” fault. No one should pay that price but “him”. But “he” will never own up to what “he” did. I know this.
So what’s a girl to do? How do I trust again? How do I not let what happened dictate any new relationship? How do I learn to trust again?
I want to trust. I want to trust someone with my heart again. I want to live my life, my way. I want to love again, one day, without the fair.
This is what has been on my mind lately. I want to learn how to handle this. I don’t want to ruin anything because of my issue. I want to deal with and handle my issue before it becomes a problem. Fix it while it’s a fear. I don’t want it to become a reality.
I’m guessing the answer is time, patience, and love from others.
I know I have the love from others part down… I have been blessed with some of the greatest people in my life. So many stepped up and reached out. And others stayed around when they didn’t have to stay by my side. I’m blessed. Truly blessed.
Lesson Learned
I’ve made mistakes in my life.
I’ve let people take advantage of me,
and I accepted way less than I deserve.
But, I’ve learned from my bad choices and
even though there are some things I can never
get back and people who will be never be sorry,
I’ll know better next time and
I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.
I’ve let people take advantage of me,
and I accepted way less than I deserve.
But, I’ve learned from my bad choices and
even though there are some things I can never
get back and people who will be never be sorry,
I’ll know better next time and
I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.
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