Chin up... Boobs out! Up and Over! Bless it and Let it go!
This is what I am trying to do! Trying with everything I have. I'm going to have to find away yet again. I sometimes think that I am too forgiving. I haven't forgiven this most recent act of his.
I have been told...
I'm resilient. I'm strong. I'm fabulous and that I have courage, strength, and dignity. I've been told that I'm inspiring and that I am respected. I've been told that my words bring hope or a lesson. I've been thanked for sharing my thoughts, my emotions.
These things make me happy. I am awed that someone would think of me in this way. I just write what I feel. I share my words, thoughts, and emotions.
I never thought that my struggles, my heartache, my life lessons, could affect someone else. Again, I share my words but I am grateful to know that I am helping in some small way.
"Those who do not remember the past are codemned to repeat it." - George Santayana
I believe in the above quote. I will always remember my past. Not remembering to hold a grudge, but remembering how to let go. Remembering the past for the life lessons, not having regrets. Remembering the past so time can heal and I can be grateful when I get swept off my feet.
"I am strong because I am weak. I am beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a lover because I am a fighter. I'm fearless because I've been afraid. I am wise becase I have been foolish. And I can laugh because I've known sadness." - Unknown.
This is another quote that I found that I believe whole heartedly in. I'm strong because of what I have live through. Everything that I have lived through. I've been through more than you think I have. I know that I am a beautiful person because I have excepted myself the way that I am. I am a fighter. I fight for what I want and what I love. I've been scared but lived through it. My foolish ways have lead to the wisdon I have gained. And I have had my fair share of sadness. I have grieved and grown.
I am just trying to the kind of woman that I would want my daughter to be. I am taking more control. And as Audra told me... "Line 'em up sister. Make 'em work for you." So that's what I'm going to do. Not sure exactly what it is yet. Still lining things out. Still figuring things out. And that includes a lot... My life. My work. My education. The newest D.G. mess. But it will all work out. What is meant to be will be. I am a believer in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. A reason for everything... There's a reason for it all. Even the simple things. That's what I believe. Now I'm ready for things to work for me instead of against me. But I'm sure there was a reason even if I can't figure it out.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Too Far Gone...
Too Far Gone...
He went too far. He crossed a line. And I will make him pay for it now.
I can handle what you do and have done to me. Bring it! My broad shoulders and steel in my spine can handle it.
But... DO NOT INVOLVE MY FAMILY. DO NOT BRING MY LOVES INTO YOUR MESS.
And that's what you did. You have no integrity. Your shame is never ending. You destroy everything!
What you did was well over a year ago. But comfirmation was made to me yesterday. Why? Getting high was that important... You stole from my mother. You stole from my dead uncle. You stole an important memory from my mother, my brothers, my family, and me.
You will now pay for your sins in some way.
I have NEVER been this angry before in my life. The RAGE I feel in my soul is an experience like no other before in my life.
Causing you much harm is what I want. It is taking all the self control I have not to find you. It is taking all self control to get through the day. It is taking self control to type these words.
Rage is almost to the breaking edge. Remembering to breathe. Remembering that Karama is a bitch and a big bitch then I will EVER be!
Let's hope we don't see each other... I may end up with a misdemeanor charge of assult and battery.
He went too far. He crossed a line. And I will make him pay for it now.
I can handle what you do and have done to me. Bring it! My broad shoulders and steel in my spine can handle it.
But... DO NOT INVOLVE MY FAMILY. DO NOT BRING MY LOVES INTO YOUR MESS.
And that's what you did. You have no integrity. Your shame is never ending. You destroy everything!
What you did was well over a year ago. But comfirmation was made to me yesterday. Why? Getting high was that important... You stole from my mother. You stole from my dead uncle. You stole an important memory from my mother, my brothers, my family, and me.
You will now pay for your sins in some way.
I have NEVER been this angry before in my life. The RAGE I feel in my soul is an experience like no other before in my life.
Causing you much harm is what I want. It is taking all the self control I have not to find you. It is taking all self control to get through the day. It is taking self control to type these words.
Rage is almost to the breaking edge. Remembering to breathe. Remembering that Karama is a bitch and a big bitch then I will EVER be!
Let's hope we don't see each other... I may end up with a misdemeanor charge of assult and battery.
Update on List of 'Going to Do'
Update on List of 'Going to Do'
Back on my New Year's blog I had posted a list of things that I was going to do this year. Well I have accomplished a few things on that list. A few things I am still working on. Just wanted to share my progress.
Ear piercing - check mark done... I got my rook pierced.
One tattoo - check mark done... February 28th with Audra. Words grace and dignity inside a pair of angel wings on my right shoulder.
Apply for grad school - check mark done... Not getting good vibes on being accepted. I'll just apply again next year.
Run the Susan G. Komen 5K - need to get back into the gym. Much needed cardio to be able to run it.
Being 'greener' - working on this one.
Blogging more - slacking on this one.
Read more books - this one I am enjoying.
Continue to pamper and spoil myself - this one is the best one to accomplish.
Continue to go to concerts - working on this years concert series.
Well that's a few things that I have been up too.
Back on my New Year's blog I had posted a list of things that I was going to do this year. Well I have accomplished a few things on that list. A few things I am still working on. Just wanted to share my progress.
Ear piercing - check mark done... I got my rook pierced.
One tattoo - check mark done... February 28th with Audra. Words grace and dignity inside a pair of angel wings on my right shoulder.
Apply for grad school - check mark done... Not getting good vibes on being accepted. I'll just apply again next year.
Run the Susan G. Komen 5K - need to get back into the gym. Much needed cardio to be able to run it.
Being 'greener' - working on this one.
Blogging more - slacking on this one.
Read more books - this one I am enjoying.
Continue to pamper and spoil myself - this one is the best one to accomplish.
Continue to go to concerts - working on this years concert series.
Well that's a few things that I have been up too.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Grace & Dignity
Grace & Dignity
Part of my daily living.
Two words that describe me.
Two words tattooed on my shoulder.
The standard that I hold myself to.
Words that I am in love with.
I have settled the last of D.G.’s mess. Granted, I still owe the money but it’s less. Way less than the original debt. I no longer owe creditors or collection agencies. I owe just one bank. It’s a relief. Small relief but still a relief. Last week was a rough week. And it’s amazing how a simple form letter leads you to make a phone call and then after the phone call your day and rest of the week turn to shit. But it’s settled. And I had to rally every bit of grace, dignity, pride, strength, courage, and patience within my being not to track him down, punch him in the face, stare in his eyes and say “Fuck You!” But if I do that then he wins. He will know that he broke me down. I am not broken. I am not down. I am standing with steel in my spine. Grace & Dignity.
Working on letting this go… This recent BS just made the anger surface. No rage. I was angry all over again. Anger over lies, betrayal, heartache, and the loss. But I’m not staying down. I am not broken. I am so much better than all of this.
So moving on. No where to go but up. Chin up. Boobs out! I don’t have to live that time again.
Part of my daily living.
Two words that describe me.
Two words tattooed on my shoulder.
The standard that I hold myself to.
Words that I am in love with.
I have settled the last of D.G.’s mess. Granted, I still owe the money but it’s less. Way less than the original debt. I no longer owe creditors or collection agencies. I owe just one bank. It’s a relief. Small relief but still a relief. Last week was a rough week. And it’s amazing how a simple form letter leads you to make a phone call and then after the phone call your day and rest of the week turn to shit. But it’s settled. And I had to rally every bit of grace, dignity, pride, strength, courage, and patience within my being not to track him down, punch him in the face, stare in his eyes and say “Fuck You!” But if I do that then he wins. He will know that he broke me down. I am not broken. I am not down. I am standing with steel in my spine. Grace & Dignity.
Working on letting this go… This recent BS just made the anger surface. No rage. I was angry all over again. Anger over lies, betrayal, heartache, and the loss. But I’m not staying down. I am not broken. I am so much better than all of this.
So moving on. No where to go but up. Chin up. Boobs out! I don’t have to live that time again.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
One Year Later...
One Year Later…
Looking back and reflecting on how far I have come in a year. It has been a year since I walked away. I can barely believe it. One year ago, my world came crashing down around me and the shit storm began. I was knocked down and I did not know how I was going to be back up. I was lost and lonely. I had been in with him for over seven years. I loved him with everything I had. I was willing to try. But he did not know how to try. I asked for him to meet me half way and he was unable. I have stopped questioning why. I blessed it all and let it go. I wish him happiness. I truly do. Some people still ask me how I am able to wish him the best and not hate him. I am not sure how I am able to do it. I just know that I have. I tried to hate him. But I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. Maybe it’s just the person that I am. I have let it go. Completely let it go.
I look back. I see the person that I am now. I look back to the person that I was. I don’t know who that girl is anymore. I look at myself and see strength and courage and grace and dignity and confidence. I have found steel in my spine. I discovered a love for myself that I never knew before.
I did a lot of work on my own in healing my heart and discovering who I am. But I had a ton of help and support and unconditional love from family and friends.
My mother and brothers have been fantastic…
My mother has always been my friend. She has always been there for me no matter what was going on. She helped me up and helped dust me off. She told me to hold my head high and that everything would be just fine. I believed her. And she was right. I knew when she spoke those words that one day things would work out.
My brother, Zac, and I have become closer than ever. I felt love from Sean and Kevin like never before. All of them reached out to their little sister. Revenge was plotted and laughs were shared. They have always been my protectors and in my time of need I welcomed their protective ways. I am so thankful for my brothers. They are truly wonderful men and I am lucky to be their little sister. I have always believed that every little girl needs a big brother. I was blessed with three. And I don’t know what I would if I did not have them in my life.
Friends reached out and helped a friend up. There’s nothing like a good cry on a friend’s shoulder or plotting revenge with that friend over a cold beer. I reconnected with old friends and those friends grew stronger than ever. I met new friends and I see those friendships continuing to grow.
I lived and learned through all of this. I believe that it all happened for a reason or many reasons. I don’t know what those reasons are. But it happened. I lived every moment of it. At times I thought I wouldn’t make it. But I refused to stay down.
I am continuing to live. I am living my way. At times it is loud and rowdy. And I like it. I embrace everyday. I still have my moment s when I question why… But those times don’t last long and they are getting fewer. I refused to stay down long. I feel hard but I got up with grace and dignity. And those two things, grace and dignity, continue to get me through everyday. I live my life with grace and dignity. I don’t have to live these days again. And I don’t have this moment live again. I have learned. I have loved. I have lost. And I will live. Live everyday. And live everyday with grace and dignity.
Looking back and reflecting on how far I have come in a year. It has been a year since I walked away. I can barely believe it. One year ago, my world came crashing down around me and the shit storm began. I was knocked down and I did not know how I was going to be back up. I was lost and lonely. I had been in with him for over seven years. I loved him with everything I had. I was willing to try. But he did not know how to try. I asked for him to meet me half way and he was unable. I have stopped questioning why. I blessed it all and let it go. I wish him happiness. I truly do. Some people still ask me how I am able to wish him the best and not hate him. I am not sure how I am able to do it. I just know that I have. I tried to hate him. But I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. Maybe it’s just the person that I am. I have let it go. Completely let it go.
I look back. I see the person that I am now. I look back to the person that I was. I don’t know who that girl is anymore. I look at myself and see strength and courage and grace and dignity and confidence. I have found steel in my spine. I discovered a love for myself that I never knew before.
I did a lot of work on my own in healing my heart and discovering who I am. But I had a ton of help and support and unconditional love from family and friends.
My mother and brothers have been fantastic…
My mother has always been my friend. She has always been there for me no matter what was going on. She helped me up and helped dust me off. She told me to hold my head high and that everything would be just fine. I believed her. And she was right. I knew when she spoke those words that one day things would work out.
My brother, Zac, and I have become closer than ever. I felt love from Sean and Kevin like never before. All of them reached out to their little sister. Revenge was plotted and laughs were shared. They have always been my protectors and in my time of need I welcomed their protective ways. I am so thankful for my brothers. They are truly wonderful men and I am lucky to be their little sister. I have always believed that every little girl needs a big brother. I was blessed with three. And I don’t know what I would if I did not have them in my life.
Friends reached out and helped a friend up. There’s nothing like a good cry on a friend’s shoulder or plotting revenge with that friend over a cold beer. I reconnected with old friends and those friends grew stronger than ever. I met new friends and I see those friendships continuing to grow.
I lived and learned through all of this. I believe that it all happened for a reason or many reasons. I don’t know what those reasons are. But it happened. I lived every moment of it. At times I thought I wouldn’t make it. But I refused to stay down.
I am continuing to live. I am living my way. At times it is loud and rowdy. And I like it. I embrace everyday. I still have my moment s when I question why… But those times don’t last long and they are getting fewer. I refused to stay down long. I feel hard but I got up with grace and dignity. And those two things, grace and dignity, continue to get me through everyday. I live my life with grace and dignity. I don’t have to live these days again. And I don’t have this moment live again. I have learned. I have loved. I have lost. And I will live. Live everyday. And live everyday with grace and dignity.
She...
"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being a human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more then she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." - Bob Marley
I read this today and it kinda got to me. It gave me chills. I'm not sure if Bob Marley really said this but I like it either way. (Side note... I did Google it and everything I found said that he said it so, maybe he did)
But... Back to the quote. This quote makes me think about myself and a couple of very special friends that I have in my life. I think in a way this is what we all want. I know for me I have loved and I have lost. I have loved before and I will love again. I am not broken and I am not damaged goods. I am not perfect. I don't claim to be perfect. I know I will make a person happy and I will make a person laugh. I know that I can give my all and I can love deeply. I will give my heart away again and all I ask is that the person I give it away to will handle it with care. I know who I am so don't try to change me. If you don't like me for me, I'm okay with that one because that means I don't need you in my life. I will show you what you show me.
I read this today and it kinda got to me. It gave me chills. I'm not sure if Bob Marley really said this but I like it either way. (Side note... I did Google it and everything I found said that he said it so, maybe he did)
But... Back to the quote. This quote makes me think about myself and a couple of very special friends that I have in my life. I think in a way this is what we all want. I know for me I have loved and I have lost. I have loved before and I will love again. I am not broken and I am not damaged goods. I am not perfect. I don't claim to be perfect. I know I will make a person happy and I will make a person laugh. I know that I can give my all and I can love deeply. I will give my heart away again and all I ask is that the person I give it away to will handle it with care. I know who I am so don't try to change me. If you don't like me for me, I'm okay with that one because that means I don't need you in my life. I will show you what you show me.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Well... Hello 2009!
I've been meaning to posted these one for a couple of days now...
Hello 2009!
I am so glad to see 2009 here!
2008 was a rollercoaster of a year. 2008 brought a shit storm and heartache. But it also brought happiness and bliss! I survived betrayal and found courage and strength. I discovered grace and dignity that I did not know that I possessed. I found that I have a little steel in my spine.
2008 brought me closer to my family. I grew closer to friends, rekindled old friendships, and found new friendships.
I have had my days of depression. And I have had my rowdy, loud, crazy nights. I’ve had nights that turned into mornings and friends that turned into family.
I had my heart broken in the beginning of the year. And towards the end of the year, I found out that I still had a heart and it was capable of letting love in. Even though the latter was short lived, I am thankful in knowing that I am not damaged goods.
In this crazy, wonderful, amazing year that just passed, I discover who I really am. I found myself. I was knocked down. I was once told… “It’s not how you fall, it’s how you get up.” I decided to get up with grace and dignity. In finding out the woman that I am, I also found out the kind of woman that I want to be. I have discovered that I am worth it. And I am not going to waste the pretty. I am better than I have ever been. And it can only get better!
So I cannot wait to see what 2009 will bring to me! I can only get better and things can only look up.
So here is a list of a few things that I am going to do…
I’m going to apply for graduate school.
Hopefully, I will start grad school.
I’m going to get new ear piercing.
I’m going to get at least one of my tattoos.
I’m going to run the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K.
I’m going to be “greener”.
I’m going to read more books.
I’m going to continue to pamper and spoil myself because I know that I am worth it.
I’m going to continue to go to all the concerts that I can.
I’m going to blog more.I’m going to continue to make lists.
Hello 2009!
I am so glad to see 2009 here!
2008 was a rollercoaster of a year. 2008 brought a shit storm and heartache. But it also brought happiness and bliss! I survived betrayal and found courage and strength. I discovered grace and dignity that I did not know that I possessed. I found that I have a little steel in my spine.
2008 brought me closer to my family. I grew closer to friends, rekindled old friendships, and found new friendships.
I have had my days of depression. And I have had my rowdy, loud, crazy nights. I’ve had nights that turned into mornings and friends that turned into family.
I had my heart broken in the beginning of the year. And towards the end of the year, I found out that I still had a heart and it was capable of letting love in. Even though the latter was short lived, I am thankful in knowing that I am not damaged goods.
In this crazy, wonderful, amazing year that just passed, I discover who I really am. I found myself. I was knocked down. I was once told… “It’s not how you fall, it’s how you get up.” I decided to get up with grace and dignity. In finding out the woman that I am, I also found out the kind of woman that I want to be. I have discovered that I am worth it. And I am not going to waste the pretty. I am better than I have ever been. And it can only get better!
So I cannot wait to see what 2009 will bring to me! I can only get better and things can only look up.
So here is a list of a few things that I am going to do…
I’m going to apply for graduate school.
Hopefully, I will start grad school.
I’m going to get new ear piercing.
I’m going to get at least one of my tattoos.
I’m going to run the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K.
I’m going to be “greener”.
I’m going to read more books.
I’m going to continue to pamper and spoil myself because I know that I am worth it.
I’m going to continue to go to all the concerts that I can.
I’m going to blog more.I’m going to continue to make lists.
Defining Myself for Myself
"If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." - Audre Lorde
You can only live for yourself. You are the only person that you have to make happy. It's a journey to figure out who you are. But it is so worth all the work. You are worth it! I am worth it!
I have defined myself. I have found out who I am. I have discovered what I am made of. I know the kind of strong woman that I am. I am becoming the kind of woman that I would want my daughter to be. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know my charms and my flaws. There are things that I cannot change. And I have learned that I don't have to change them unless I want to change. The only expections I have to live up to are my own.
I know that I am not perfect. I don't what to be perfect. That is a pedestal that I do not what to do place upon. I like the imperfections. The imperctions that I have embraced make me who I am. It is all part of defining who I am.
This is me. This is who I am. You can take it or leave.
You can only live for yourself. You are the only person that you have to make happy. It's a journey to figure out who you are. But it is so worth all the work. You are worth it! I am worth it!
I have defined myself. I have found out who I am. I have discovered what I am made of. I know the kind of strong woman that I am. I am becoming the kind of woman that I would want my daughter to be. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know my charms and my flaws. There are things that I cannot change. And I have learned that I don't have to change them unless I want to change. The only expections I have to live up to are my own.
I know that I am not perfect. I don't what to be perfect. That is a pedestal that I do not what to do place upon. I like the imperfections. The imperctions that I have embraced make me who I am. It is all part of defining who I am.
This is me. This is who I am. You can take it or leave.
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