What's A Girl To Do?

I have said before that I’m ready.
I’m ready for something, anything.

What exactly am I ready for?
A date… still questionable.
A relationship… NO!

I am ready for an adventure though,
A road trip,
Quality face time with friends,
Time away from everyday things.

I have put some thought into this whole dating thing. Serious thought. But I am still sitting on the fence.

The thought of a date makes me want to throw up at times. Other times, I get giddy thinking about getting dolled up and getting a little attention from a man. So to put it simply, I have butterflies and I am scared shitless. It’s been eight years since I’ve done this. I know that it’s not that long and I know that I’m young and that people start over all the time. Blah, blah, blah… But still, 8 years!!!

I’ve been single for six months! Yay, Meara!! No regrets. No looking back. I’ve torn the rearview mirror off!

But that thought brings me to the other thing that I know I’m not ready for… A relationship. Also brings me to my fear…

My fear of a relationship… I got burned! Burned bad!

But I don’t want that situation, experience, life lesson to dictate the rest of my life and relationships. I don’t want the next guy to pay for what “he” did. I want to be able to trust that I won’t get used, abused, and lied to. I don’t want to compare the good to the bad or the good to the bad. But I’ scared. I’m scare that the ultimate betrayal and broken trust is going to dictate my relationships. I’m scare that I will always compare the bad shit to whatever “new guy” does. It’s not fair to whoever may come into my life. How many will have to pay for what “he” did? I want the answer to be zero. I don’t want anyone to have to pay that cost. It’s too high. They’re not the one that broke my heart, my trust, my faith in others. It’s no else’s fault why I question what I question. It’s all “his” fault. No one should pay that price but “him”. But “he” will never own up to what “he” did. I know this.

So what’s a girl to do? How do I trust again? How do I not let what happened dictate any new relationship? How do I learn to trust again?

I want to trust. I want to trust someone with my heart again. I want to live my life, my way. I want to love again, one day, without the fair.

This is what has been on my mind lately. I want to learn how to handle this. I don’t want to ruin anything because of my issue. I want to deal with and handle my issue before it becomes a problem. Fix it while it’s a fear. I don’t want it to become a reality.

I’m guessing the answer is time, patience, and love from others.

I know I have the love from others part down… I have been blessed with some of the greatest people in my life. So many stepped up and reached out. And others stayed around when they didn’t have to stay by my side. I’m blessed. Truly blessed.